One of the speakers at YC this weekend was Ed Weiss from "Reachout Youth ministries." While I didn't get to hear him speak, the write up for one of his sessions resonated with the way life has been for me in the past little while...
"A lot of times you need to make a mess before you can make something clean. When Jesus saw that the temple had been defiled he made a mess to make it clean. I believe God wants to redress us for a new season in our lives but first we need to shed some of our existing behavioral strategies and belief systems. We can either let go or prepare for a divine interruption."
This season of my life has been difficult in many ways, more than I would care to admit. Sometimes I am angry - at God, at community, at myself, at the church - yet I can look at it and know that God is preparing me and refining me for something, I don't know what, even while he uses me along the way. He has to be. I am not the same as I was. He continues to shape me and make me more like himself. I live in a dichotomy of living in today but living for tomorrow. Odd. I want to see the picture of what the new season will look like and yet I'm learning to let go. Learning to trust that God's got it in his control. Learning that sometimes being angry is okay. Learning that it's true - what doesn't kill me does make me stronger - and God knows what the limit is.
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