Catching Up

I know it's been a while since I've done a real post. For any of you who might have been coming here hoping for an actual update on my life, I'm sorry you've been so continually disappointed. See, someone rather animated once shared some advice their momma gave them: "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" and so for a while, I've felt like I just haven't had anything to share. Probably not true, but hey, it's my blog.

By way of explanation and update, let me share something I've been pondering for a while. Last week at music practice for Journey, Malcolm shared Psalm 42 with us. He said, in discussion after reading the Psalm, that it seems like the Psalmist goes back and forth seemingly by the minute. Praising God one minute and living in despair, wondering where God is the next. But then he clarified, wondering if maybe it's not so much back and forth but more a matter of both-and. Both so intertwined that its really living both at the same time.

I felt like he was speaking my language and finally giving me words to describe the crazy roller coaster I feel like I've been riding...and I don't even like roller coasters!! After digesting the Psalm and Malcolm's comments, I feel like I have freedom to walk this journey with both praise and petition, peace and frustration, even though, in so many ways it feels so paradoxical. I feel whole, at peace and content with who I am, more so, I think, than I have in a long, long time. I feel like there's more hope and anticipation in my life than there has been in a long, long time. I feel much more excited about what's to come...and about what is. And, as much as I've talked about being on a roller coaster, I feel much more stable. A while ago, I likened it to feeling like a tree that's roots are digging deep. The wind can blow but I feel a lot more unshakeable. At the same time, however, I feel lonely, exhausted and uncertain of my future. Anticipation mingles with fear and thankfulness with worry. I can say it is well even though there are circumstanes in my day to day that I would really like to see be different...or maybe just see different.

Last night, Malcolm continued to spur on my pondering. He asked us what our greatest joy and our greatest challenge was right now in life. How would you answer that? For me, it was a quick answer. While I think he intended it to be two separate questions, for me the answer to both is the same. Transition. This part of the journey has been both painful and exilarating. I have learned so much in the last couple months, things I couldn't have learned without the vast amounts of change I've gone through - both internal and external. I have found a sense of wholeness and healing. I've seen, and continue to see, God in his faithfulness acting in my life. I've been forced to give up control, to surrender, and have found joy in that. I am not the same as I was and that is cause for joy. Transition, however, is also my greatest challenge. It's hard. It's painful. It's stretching. Sometimes I just want a bit of stability in my life. Again, joy and challenge all mixed up in one little package...me!

And here's the catch to it all: it's about perspective! Choosing to live in the joy or in the challenge...or in both.

Still not really an update, is it!?

Here's the scoop. I'm still temping for Bowen workforce solutions. They've got me all over down town. Ironicially enough, I'm currently working at an executive recruitment agency which I described to my small group as "not terrible." That's a positive thing. Really! That said, I've been thankful for work, thankful for flexibility and thankful for the opportunities to meet new people I've had through it. I'll be thankful when it's done too. I was hired last week by the city of Calgary to teach swimming lessons and have my first hours on Tuesday afternoon. I'm pretty excited about that! I did some volunteering in January/February and really enjoyed it, not to mention that the exercise did my body good! I'm praying that it won't take too long to get a descent amount of hours, enough to live off of, so that I can give up the temping gig for good and hoping it won't be long before I can also get some lifeguarding hours. So that's work.

I'm loving not recruiting, I'll be honest. When all of my friends still in recruitment were getting ready to travel, I was realizing just how exciting it is for me to not have to go anywhere unless I want to! I REALLY miss the students though. I miss sharing in people's lives the way I did with them. I miss watching them learn and grow in "knowledge and in stature with the Lord and men" and miss being a part of that process. I've been thinking a lot lately about how that can and should be more a part of my life now. I suppose, with all of that said, one could say that it's the ability to be here that I'm enjoying, not really the not being "there."

So what is it about "here" that I'm loving so much?

I love being able to be in church consistently! I love Journey! I do, I do. I love being a part of the community and the ministry of Journey. Being a part of the music ministry has been an incredible blessing - the act of serving together in a way I love and having the opportunity to find a place I feel like I belong. I don't feel quite as lonely when I'm there! My small group is pretty special. I wish everyone had a church family like mine!

I'm still dancing as many times a week as possible. Salsa, fox trot, waltz, hustle, tango and balero are just a few I've been working on since Christmas. I wish I would have started sooner in life!!

I've been able to spend some time fostering some very special and unique friendships in a number of different circles. I love what God is doing in that area...and pray that he is using me in their lives as much as he's using them in mine!

As you may have noticed by previous posts, I'm reading up a storm! I can't seem to find enough time to read although I could read for hours on end every day if I didn't have other things to do! I'm thriving off the learning, though, even if it's young fiction writing. It's all got me thinking a lot more about going to school. Something else to figure out; what I'd want to take, where I'd want to go, how I'd afford it...

I'm still playing with my camera and capturing moments in ways that I'm pretty proud of. Weddings, prenatal pics, baby pics, portraits and special events all over the place. I've been thinking that it's probably time to start actually building a portfolio but have no idea how to start. Any ideas?!

So that's likely enough by way of update for now. I'll try to keep y'all posted as there's things to post about!